Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Finding Things to be Grateful For When Life is Shit

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Actually, I know my life isn't shit. In a lot of ways, things are better now than they have been for a long time. However, getting where I am, both literally and figuratively, has come at a cost. Thanksgiving is around the corner and it's going to be very different from the Thanksgivings I've experienced for the past almost two decades of my life. I'm excited about finally having Thanksgiving with my parents since that hasn't happened since I graduated from high school--I won't even get into how long ago that was. Some of the other changes are less positive, and I've been doing some soul searching as a result.
I don't want to be morose alone, hence, blogging, but I also thought I should share an informative blog post from Bustle about the times of year when the most dumping happens. I think it's fascinating that a lot of people break-up around Christmas. It seems like the question of whether or not to buy one more person a gift can be a moment of truth. Apparently, there's also a period right before Thanksgiving that they refer to as the "Turkey Drop." I've gone through multiple changes in relationship status starting this past summer and it has just been madness since then. So, I got a jump on things before the Turkey Drop. It is somewhat comforting to know that I won't be the only person contemplating the plight of singletons after I give thanks for the turkey leading a miserable life so we can eat him for dinner and have gas.
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This isn't to say that being single is the worst thing, especially during the holidays. I am grateful that I don't need to buy a certain someone a gift. I also don't have to deal with the awkwardness of meeting or not meeting friends and family. No pressure. I love it. Given the nature of people who have recently been removed from my life, I may be well on my way to a Zen existence.
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I'm incredibly grateful that I don't need to fly anywhere this Thanksgiving. I get to drive and it's just long enough to be a fun adventure with my dog and to get a change of scenery. I may finally get to listen to the audio version of my book club read. Multitask!

Mostly, I'm grateful for an epiphany I had while I was walking my dog this evening. Not to overshare, but a lot of people have been really nasty to me over the past month and today, I got dumped on twice via email by someone I was doing a favor for and another person who was just being totally insane. Actually, that other person is truly clinically insane. The point is though, I was walking my dog and wondering why I was such an awful person. Then, it hit me that I'm not an awful person and I know I'm not, but what I found fascinating was why I have been so desperate to receive validation that I'm okay that the opinions of people who can barely keep themselves off the streets carry so much weight with me. Obviously, I must have something about myself I really don't like. So, I contemplated that and I realized that it's true: I haven't held the people I let into my life to standards at all. I've just gratefully accepted whoever scratched at my door, so to speak, and without question, adjusted to whatever bizarre preferences they had.

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Look-out universe because I'm not playing that game anymore. Lie to me, betray me, insult me, demean me, tell me I can't eat certain things in front of you? You know what? Life is too short and I don't need you in mine. I am going to be firing people like crazy. I'm not sure if what put me over the edge today was the crazy woman who can't figure out what to do with her life and decided it was my fault because she found my email address or if it was the college drop-out with man boobs  who called me disgusting, but whatever it was: thank you. This kind of clarity is everything and because of everyone who made this possible, I can save so much money on future sessions of psychoanalysis that I won't need.

I'm also grateful that I was able to go to an urgent care clinic and check something off my list that has been haunting me for months. (Fingers crossed that nothing else is currently "haunting" me, but at least we live in a country where we have easy access to antibiotics, so there art thou happy.)

In NaNoWriMo-related news, I finally pushed past the 20,000 word mark today. My personal goal for this year's NaNo was to hit 20k. I really do want to make it all the way to 50k, and I'm hoping that some time at my parents' house will give me the opportunity to do that, but if I don't achieve that goal, at least I've already hit one. Another thing I'm grateful for is I don't have to plan a huge Thanksgiving dinner party this year, so I've actually been able to immerse myself in NaNoWriMo this time.

Do I wish my life was less tumultuous now? Yes. Do I wish that certain things hadn't happened over the past month/year? For sure. For the moment, life is what it is, and I'm trying to remind myself that things could be better and I hope they continue to get better, but there is a lot to be said for how they are now.

Have a lovely holiday break, everyone! May your weekend be filled with delicious food, love, self-love, and good books, and if you happen to get caught in the Turkey Drop, look at it this way: the only turkey you need to deal with on Thanksgiving will be on the plate instead of in your phone.
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