Sunday, October 13, 2013

Hiding From Hotties at Trader Joe's

hot guy in marseillesJust to be clear, I'm not going around looking for a date every day. My husband told me I have to cut back on that sort of thing, so I have. This doesn't change the fact that when I'm out and about I notice interesting things. Also, am I alone in thinking that it seems like hot people don't usually do their own grocery shopping unless they're at Whole Foods? Okay, that's not completely true. I mean, I buy my own groceries. The thing is, I guess most of the time when I go to the grocery store, I'm not at my most attractive. Either it's a weeknight, and I have raccoon eyes  from my eye makeup going from the lids and lashes to halfway down my face, or it's a Sunday morning and I'm not wearing make-up. Also, it's not just the make-up. You know how it is. On Sundays I can be kind of casual about little things like brushing my teeth, showering, and wearing clothes that barely passed the sniff test. I don't look like I just rolled off my grass mat in a cardboard box or anything, but it's not the kind of look that makes one feel invincible.

So, today, I was at TJ's expecting the usual crowd of recent divorced housewives rediscovering domestic tasks they previously could pay others to do, old people trying to use AARP membership cards as debit cards, and parents with free-range children. It's quite a parade, and it's an annoying parade, but it doesn't make me particularly self-conscious. I mean, compared to everybody else, I'm doing pretty well, right?
I brought all my bags with me so I wouldn't run out like I usually do. I had a nice comprehensive list, and I was kicking serious butt. For the first time in like a year, I managed to grab almost everything by department instead of randomly drifting from one side of the store to another like I usually do. Then, I remembered that I needed some stuff from the produce section. Honestly, that should have been the first sign I'd have an issue. When you go to a part of the store with bananas and grapefruit within a few feet of each other. Fruits and vegetables are so suggestive. They also seem to bring out the worst in everyone. A girl and her live-in boyfriend were having an argument across the onions and tomatoes.
He asked, "Are the banks open on Monday?"
"I don't know," She said as she tried to bag a red onion.
He lazily pushed the cart toward the eggs, but he didn't seem to be looking for anything. He stood there, leaning on the handle and whined, "How can you not know?"
"I just don't," She said.
"What else do we need?" He asked.
"Will you just wait a second."

You might be wondering about why I was standing there observing this spat so intently. Two reasons: 1. I'm currently taking a graduate course about relationships so I figured, hey, maybe I can use this later. 2. I needed a red onion and she was between my target and me.
hidingThen, I looked up across the room and scanned the nuts and tissues until I spotted The Guy. He had huge biceps, broad shoulders and everything was just as it should be. Then, he looked back and I totally panicked.

Ogling someone by accident in the grocery store is bad enough, but getting caught! Devastation! I quickly looked away, grabbed the red onion and continued picking up the other things I'd forgotten. One last thing on the list: chives. Who was standing in front of the chives? The Guy. Shoot. So, I stood there, hiding behind the pumpkin display until he moved, and quickly ran over to snatch the chives and head toward the check-out lane. Totally normal behavior, right? I was so cool.

At least I was safe in the check-out lane, right? Wrong. He got into the one across from me, so I knew he was there the whole time, so I spent the 5 mins or so of getting my epic grocery order together trying not to look or be seen. This all makes me wonder: how did I ever getting married? How did I date before I got married? All those guys must feel like they were taking 10 for the team or something.