Tuesday, July 26, 2011

To Write is Easy, To Query is Hard

071/365 CryingActually, writing can be hard too, but it doesn't come with the soul-sucking pain that follows every query. Sending out queries is a lot like flinging a boomerang over a chasm, only the boomerang has a hook in your intestines, so you feel kind of eviscerated every time it goes out. Sometimes it just goes kur plop in the distance. Sometimes it comes back with this sort of adorable note included that seems like it's written just for you, only you find out on Query Tracker, that everyone gets this note:

Dear [your first name here],

Thank you for thinking of me for [your manuscript title here]. Unfortunately, I am unable to offer you representation at this time. Please keep in mind that this is a very subjective business and we must limit the new projects we take on to the ones we are most passionate about.

[whoever copied and pasted this]

Plenty of other bloggers, family members, and bums on the street are happy to offer advice. That's one nice thing about this process. It brings out the helpful spirit in those around you.

THEM: "Why don't you include more about your writing credentials, dear?"
ME: "Um, well, there's the whole this is my first novel thingy. I have nonfiction writing credits, but those don't really count, and I already mentioned that I made the quarterfinals for . . ."
THEM: "Oh, right, right, right. Look! A deer!"

BUM: "Does it have naked women in it?"
ME: "Oh, sure."
BUM: "Guess it needs more."
ME: "Hmm. I'll think about that."
BUM: "Got a five? I'm out of beer?"

Then, you hear stuff like, you shouldn't worry so much about this query process. Focus on your art. Focus on your craft. Okay. How many hours do you have in your day? I'm trying to make the most out of my 24 hours here, and there's the whole work and sleep thing.

Also, I know certain bloggers I've named before don't like hearing this, but seriously, it's not like everything on the shelves out there is just fabulous and I'm not that bad, so what's the deal? So flipping annoying!